Tuesday, August 3, 2010


What the fucking fuck?

Yes, that is the question I am asking. It's straight forward and honest and in all it's vagueness applies to every facet of life and living.

Today, however I pose this question with a topic in mind, riders. It is a term I use loosely, because some people who own bikes, ride bikes or for that matter can spell the word bike should if possible avoid bikes. Hmm, that statement seems somewhat confusing, like fog in a crystal ball, but again my brilliance is scary amazing so I will wave my hands and clear up any confusion as to avoid any miss communication.

I suppose I have reached my tolerance for dumb ass questions. I with patience have always tried to answer, even the most retarded with kindness and patience. That being stated, I can't do it anymore. I can no longer serve people who have no fucking clue as to how their bikes work. People who come in and describe a problem by making a sound, example " click, click, click".
What the fucking fuck?

Dude by a vowel, use it to spell a clue and use your god damn big words, seriously. If you come in and say, intelligently, " my bike seems to be hesitating whilst I shift " I can help you out. However, if you waddle your over weight ass in while rolling a 7000 dollar bike and make a sound to describe the problem then I will slap you like a pimp slaps a hoe. I refuse to humour anyone, anymore. I loath, fucking loath those who come in, flashing their "live strong bracelets" , speaking of wattage and weight, telling me about how much they spent on their bikes, their euro trash skin suit, sperm helmet and how amazing their bike is. I don't give a fuck. Not even a fucking fuck. These people are easily identified, they are the ones with areo bars facing virtually straight up.

If your a mountain biker laughing, stop. Some of you are NO better. Riding bikes their parents bought them, parents who are trying to buy love while nurturing stupidity. Unless your kid is a pro athlete or has great unwavering potential to be so then they do not deserve the best bike on the market. Those bikes are reserved for those who can ride, not your spoiled ass kid who can barely walk and chew gum. I fear however that the parents of these kids won't get this message. They have enough money to afford stupidity, trail passes and all seem to flock to a central location on old Barrie road.

So let it be stated, written in stone, recorded for all time that if you ask me a stupid question I will reply with "what the fucking fuck" followed by what ever demoralizing linkage of words I can configure in the moment and I will try to avoid smacking you.

In good conscious, I must avoid these situations as to avoid numerous law suits. So, it is with sadness that I announce my retirement from pro wrenchdom. I will only work on my own bikes and those friends who don't inspire the response, " what the fucking fuck". If you're wondering if you are one of these latter friends then your wondering is your answer and the answer is yes, your a dumb ass and I will not work on your bike.

Yes a brilliant mind is lost to the cycling world, but do not fear I will continue to regal you with wisdom. Of course I will dumb it down for many of you as big words hurt you small brains.

Peace and Love
And retirement from bike shops.