Wednesday, February 24, 2010

As I stepped thru the doorway into what can best be described as a "home gym" I saw it, this strange apparatus that was probably designed by some sadistic engineer who's achievements also include the mouse wheel. Head cocked to the side, a similar stance to that of a confused chicken I looked upon this new piece of equipment.

My thoughts on running are simple, it is better left to the horses and I am not a horse. However here I was, shoes laced up water bottle in hand and on the verge of climbing aboard our new treadmill to enter the realm of running. Arrrg I say. I have never thought of running as something fun or desirable to do, running is only necessary if fleeing for your life or if you have stolen something and our try to make a hasty get away. But again here I stand, on a magic carpet of sorts, walking warming up the legs. I feel as though my "look" would be complete if I where to adorn sweat bands around my wrists and head, some what of a Richard Simmons look.
The screen is flashing, demanding me to enter my weight. I follow the instructions, allowing the torture machine to calibrate for optimal pain. Soon the walk in the park warm up pace is over and I am running. Running and going absolutely nowhere, in fact traveling backwards at some moments. Oh god what is going on, why am I doing this to myself, why oh why?

Love is why. Soulmate plans on trail running with the dogs this summer and so I have decided the best thing to do is to join. That and the benefits of being able to outrun a zombie will surely pay off. In fact I will begin to encourage my friends and family to stop exercising so that during the event of bear, zombie or roaming pack of angry seniors attack I can flee leaving them distracted with my slower moving counter parts who, out side of the seniors, will become a meal. Seniors require soft food, usually prepared in a blender so odds are they won't be cannibals but just killers.

Lucky for me I am not running today, tomorrow but not today. I have chosen instead to sip coffee, walk in the woods and ski....

Tomorrow I will climb back on the moving death rug and run, run until I cannot run no more. Hmmm with all this running maybe I should compete in riots. I will practice my brick toss and my snatch and run.......

Peace and love

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Staring at the screen this morning my mind is rampant with so many things I want to say. In fact I have spewed out 10 different paragraphs already, all of which met there demiseat the stroke of the delete key. Sipping my coffee I was struck with it, the thing or things I will discuss today: athletes and Assholes.

Unless by some strange chance you just arrived on the plant and chose to immediately log onto my blog, which I would suggest to any alien visitors as the right thing to do ( welcome to are planet don't get your self caught and autopsied) you are aware that the Winter Olympics are on. Athletes, whom are suppose to be amateurs, have been served up by every country and are competing for one of three shiny pieces of medal. When ever the opportunity arises I sit and watch, I do not discriminate and have no favorite event I will watch any thing and cheer on all. Having some friends who are serious athletes I am well aware as to the time and dedication it takes to be the best in your sport and class. I am also aware of the pressure that these athletes are under to perform and win. A pressure they put on themselves and that is cast upon them by others. I was upset to catch a press conference this weekend held by one of our Canadian athletes. In tears they apologized for "letting the country down". Is this really necessary? I felt some what ashamed to tell the truth. As long as you did your very best your alright in my books, fuck everyone else! Yes I understand that they have dedicated their lives for what could be one moment and not winning is devastating for any athlete it fucking sucks, but to apologize to the country? To an audience of people whom the majority of which sit on their ass and don't play or participate in any sport. Apologize to a bunch of arm chair couches whom after watching a 30 second blurb about the sport think they have the right to say where you went wrong? Fuck that shit. Wipe your tears and smile. The statement "I let all of Canada down" was made, but honestly up until the moment I saw this press conference I had no idea who you where, sorry. All I can say is train, compete and enjoy your sport for yourself, if you win you win if you lose you lose no apologies ever be unshakable.

Now for the asshole portion. It still baffles me how dense people can be. If someone tries to contact me, phone, e-mail, carrier pigeon and i don't respond I probably don't what to associate with you. For the record, if this is the case it is because I think you are an asshole. The amazing thing is that these people can be so fucking retarded that they try and try again. Hmmm they say, he is not returning my calls, maybe his phone is broke. Oh he is not replying to e-mails maybe doesn't check it. It seems he has deleted me from facebook, maybe it was an accident. Maybe I should try this approach on his partner? Oh I have been blocked, hmmm maybe I should use my children as pons and send a message thru their account? Let me be clear, My phone works as does my computer I just think you are a piece of shit. Odds are "nobody told you" so here it is clear as day. I think said asshole is a total douche, a liar, cheater and a manipulating prick who would step over his own mother to steal her pension. If you are said asshole you probably will laugh and say something brilliant like "I would hate to be that guy" hey moron you are that guy ...........ass. For the rest of you reading this who have an I.Q above a squirrel you will know of whom I speak.

Well I feel better, I need to get that off my chest. Well that's all the ranting for me today and I stand by what I say, no apologies, ever maybe a go fuck yourself but that's it.

peace and love, even to the assholes.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Bee otch

You know it is rather quiet amazing when you think about it. How many options people have when choosing what they want to be as adults. With limitless information available on the Internet and colleges and universities around the world offering everything from economics to basket weaving that someone would still choose to be a bitch.

"My word" some of you may say.

Don't get me wrong by no means am I saying being a bitch is easy, nor is it for everyone especially the faint hearted. Being a bitch, a real bitch takes a lot of effort and practice. If your not willing to put in the hard time you will never earn the title of bitch or even queen bitch, you will like many of us just have your moments.

I am questioning why anyone in their right mind, and that may be my answer, would choose to be a bitch. I will set the record straight right now, one chooses to be a bitch, it's not an accident or fate or divine intervention it is a choice just like I don't know maybe not being a bitch. We all know the kind of person I am speaking of. They are kaniving, manipulative, ego centric, stubborn as an ass and often full of their own shit. How they stand themselves is beyond me, but they may share similar qualities to a skunk in that their odour does not bother them, just everyone else.

I am compelled to write of this topic because this week both myself and Soulmate where confronted with the aforementioned "Bitch". We both tried to remain calm, cool and collected but the onslaught of stupidity, which is often the weapon of choice, proved to much. Both of us became angry, ranting lunatics who wanted to do nothing more then what LL Cool J's mother suggested and that is "moma said knock you out". But do to the judicial system here in our country that would result in charges laid and a victory for the whole "bitch" nation. Yes that's right I believe they are a nation, a club whom give lessons to the devil on Saturdays about how to be more evil.

After are individual experiences this week, from two different bitches, both of us where left in awe. It was at this point that the question came up, "why would anyone want to be a bitch" So reflecting on what I know about people and my experiences, here is the answer I have arrived at:

Those who choose to be a bitch do so because they are small, frightened individuals who are threatened by everyone else. Often stuck in a child's mentality they often play games sometimes twisted but usually resulting in them looking like an ass. This is where the logical thinking person would pump the brakes and say hey I just made myself look like an ass. But since they are not logically thinking people they continue on the path of bitch hood, eventually isolating themselves winding up divorced, alone and with 90 cats. There only form of companionship or conversation is with the young children they yell at to get off their lawns. Soon they are so disillusioned they believe everyone else is crazy and they are sane. Eventually they succumb to the toll be a bitch has on the human body and they die. The 90 cats they own eat said bitch and no one cries at the funeral, because no one is there.

Hmmm it would seem that I not only answered the why but also made a prediction.

But like everything it is not to late for you to change, hell Jesus even forgave a criminal hanging on the cross next to him. You can always choose not to be a bitch?

Well maybe if you shut the fuck up and listen you might have caught that last part but odds are your to busy talking and blaming everyone else for your self induced misfortune.......think about it?

Peace and Love,

to most of you

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Under a rock?

Well after a bit of a disappearance I have returned. With no help from you my readers. Really thanks for nothing, no missing persons reports where filed, no posters put up, no search parties or emotional plea for my safe return on the local news. You are ALL a disappointment and should be ashamed for your lack of caring. You are the worst audience ever, but an audience none the less so I will entertain you, feeding you tales and lies, truths and myths.

Well on the home front the dynamics have changed slightly, we now have two dogs, count'em two dogs and two cats. Seriously you may be thinking "it's a motha fucking zoo" and let me assure you it is. Our new additions are Dexter, a pure bred doberman who may or may not be the anti-Christ. He requires a lot of attention and exercise. The means of measuring if he has had enough is this; if you come home and shit is destroyed you have not exercised him enough. Fortunately for us we do not have a lot of shit. The new cat is named Chase and that is what he does. He chases the dogs, the other cat, hell he chases us. He is quite the personality. In true fashion I am the alpha dog, the leader, top of the ladder, king of all that is below me....which means I am not really in charge but the enforcer. Any enlightened man knows that he may have the penis, but without a vagina he is useless, so who really is in charge?

On the work front, what am I saying "home front, work front" sounds like I am reporting on a goddamn war. Any whore, Hardwood is a live with Olympic spirit. Which translates into everyone thinking they are an athlete. I swear to god there was more spandex out on trail this weekend then ever worn in the tour de france! Being able to see your own shriveled up junk does not make you an athlete or faster what it does make you is ridiculous. Seriously, by some proper ski clothes not for me but for the children and stop wearing speedos because odds are you wear them too.

Also, for future reference, jeans are not proper ski attire for Nordic or alpine. I can't begin to tell you how often I see people wearing jeans while skiing. They are usually wearing rental equipment, which is cool, happy to see you skiing but jeans, what are you semi-retared. A) Jeans are cold B) when they get wet they freeze, you freeze and your junk falls off. Buy some snow pants and a hat and gloves you will have more fun. Oh and as much as I love seeing you bomb down the hill in the kamikaze snow angle maybe throw in a turn here or there, just saying.

Well that's it, that's all.....if you are wondering I am still awesome, the coolest person you will ever know, the best looking and master of everything

Peace and love