Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I think it happened, today was officially the first time I felt like an adult. Go ahead and pick yourself up off the floor.

Now that you have gathered yourself we can continue.

Today I found myself in one of our local educational establishments seeking out information which would result in my return to school. No not high school for the smart asses reading this, College. Although, pulling up in front of my former high school in a Camero with a mullet, blasting G&R with aviator sunglasses would be cool, but alas those days are gone.

My contemplation to return to school obviously involves visiting a school and today was that day. I met with the co-coordinator of the program I may or may not take. After some delightful banter I was given a guided tour. That's when it hit me like a drunken panda driving a stolen car, this place is full of kids. Seriously how old are some of these beings, they barley look old enough to make it into a pg 13 film let alone attend a post secondary institution and live unsupervised. As I stood in the middle of the library, it struck me. I don't think me and these recently former fans of Hahana Montana speak the same language.
I actually laugh out loud.
I was surrounded by a generation who grew up texting, writing full sentences using words that exist in the kings language was as foreign to these youngsters as well foreigner. This fact was driven home by the library, the first library I have been in that has no books? In there place where rows of computer stations where socially retarded students all wearing ear phones sat, googling the answers to their current conundrums. As "mother fucker" escaped my lips I realized I was not in Kansas anymore. The days of highlighters and massive text books is apparently over, replaced by soft glowing screens that draw us to them like retarded moths. Thank some god somewhere that the program I am considering is primarily hands on, real hands not robot hands, yet. Even the co-coordinator boasted about the ease of technology, now there is no need to meet with students, everything is done via e-mail. But I like to talk to people, not on the phone because that is gay, but face to face. Like the good ole day's where if you were pissed they could see it on your face not have to interpret it because you are writing in all capitols. Where a happy face was a face and not some yellow faced cocksucker emoticon who has a vast array of emotions including some that aren't even real, like two hearts for eyes, what the fuck emotion is that, I can't make that face.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am scared.
Na, I ain't scared of nothin! I just don't want any of these toddlers in charge of my heath or safety as a senior in fact I would sooner shoot em first, that's right them not me, why off yourself. LOL'ing all the way.

Peace and love.

Monday, March 22, 2010

When are the 80's coming back?

Seriously though, when are they coming back?

I am a child of the 80's in as much as I was born in 1980. As I recall it was the most brilliant point in human history. My recollection of course is limited to the late 80's the time between picking my nose and the introduction of MC Hammer. As I recall it was totally awesome and I feel like I would have done so well during that decade.

When this topic arises, the majority seem to want to dismiss this decade, brushing it under the rug of time. I have come to the conclusion that this is done because it was so awesome of a period that re-living it is painful because no other period will be as awesome so we have blocked it from our memory leap frogging in time from 1979 to 1990.

I would like to present a couple of examples as to why the 80's was and will forever be the pinnacle of human civilization, if you agree with me "right on" if you don't then you are delusional and clearly off your meds.

Here are a few highlights which prove my point with no room for rebuttal:

1980- I am born, your welcome. The rest of the world is cruising around on roller blades while wearing IZOD alligator shirts, collars flipped up of course. Rocking out to Air supply on their Walkmans and solving the Rubik cube. Mount St. Helen's erupts, which is bad, but volcano's are way cool.

1981- Our minds are stimulated with the wonders of Arcade excellence as we are introduced to Pac-man. MTV debuts, airing it's first video by the Buggles, "video killed the radio star", leg warmers are so the thing and IBM gives us the personal computer.

1982 -The world flocked to the newly opened Epcot center and Smurfs made our world a bit brighter. E.T. came into to our lives and Reeses Pieces were all the rage. Heads bobbed whilst listing to new bands like Duran Duran, Bryan Adams, Hewy Lewis and The News and of course "Thriller" one of the best albums of all time is released.

1983- Crack hits the streets and we said good bye to M.A.S.H and hello to the Cabbage patch dolls. Jane Fonda helped firm asses everywhere and the soundtrack to the year was given to us by REM, Madonna and Culture club. That and apple gave us the mouse, nice.

1984- The pivotal question "wheres the beef?" was asked, stone washed jeans and Miami Vice, need I say more, thank you 1984

1985 - The price of a movie, $3.55. We wrapped our arms around Teddy Ruxpin and wanted to give the world a hug while we listened to "We are the world".

1986-We all mourned together as Challenger exploded and laughed together with ALF and the Tanner family. The Bangles gave us the audio master piece "walk like an Egyptian" and we all agreed with Madonna when she sang "Papa don't preach". Thanks sister.

1987-"I just died in your arms tonight" said it all and we captured the year on disposable cameras. We said goodbye to Andy Worhol and Kristy Alley joined the cast of Cheers.

1988-Can be summed up by the song of the year "Don't worry be happy", but it was hard because Casey Kasem signed off the air, top 40 radio changed forever. Sony Bono was Mayor of Palm Springs. Roseanne got her own show and the first prescriptions for anit-depressants where written, Prozac to be specific. Any corhelation?

1989-The Berlin wall came down and east met west for the first time in 28 years. The Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles filled Saturday mornings and Milli Vinilli picked up a Grammy.

Now I am sure my brilliantly guided, beautifully crafted and grammatically perfect highlight reel of the 80's proves with out a doubt that it was the best decade of all time. If you ever make it back look for me, I'll be the guy rocking a "flocks of seagull" hair cut, acid washed jeans with worn out knees and IZOD alligator shirt collared flipped up and converse high tops. On my head a pair of ear phones plugged into a bright yellow walkman bellowing out the words "Relax don't do it" . One foot will be on a single tipped skateboard and a Rubik cube in my pocket. That's right, the coolest looking mother fucker you would be graced to lay your eyes on. If you make it back maybe we can have "breakfast at Tiffany's" ?

Peace and Love

and 80's forever!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm Melting, melting.....

Coffee in hand, dogs at my side I stand peering out the window. It would seem that winter is over, the snow steadily melting helped along by the rain which has been falling over the last two days. I have watched local snow people, to be politically correct, meet their demise over the last week. With temperatures hovering around the 10 degree mark I took notice as day by day these creatures began to reshape, melting into what amounts to soppy piles of slush. As I watch as they disappear from existence I wonder, do they have feelings, does it hurt, death by melting?

As far as I am concerned meeting my demise as a result of melting is low on the list of "ways to go". This might seem like a ridiculous concern but think about it. We breath life into these beings, give them carrot noses and coal eyes, we take photos of them and post them on our face book pages and tag them as though they are friends. But as the warm weather greets us we turn our backs on them and let them melt, ignoring their silent pleas. I think we should be ashamed, we should just shoot them, a quick and painless death. Instead we let them parish, slowly without intervention. Perhaps we can bag some small part of them and use it for snow people genetic cloning to create an identical copy next winter? Maybe I am sleep deprived from a winter of grooming or maybe I am a rambling lunatic who has yet to be committed. In either scenario heed my plea and do the right thing, end snow peoples lives quickly and painlessly or help the process along with a blow dryer, just saying.

Peace and Love
accepting donations on behalf of snow people everywhere.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Vega -a-tarian

So a little over a year ago I made the choice to become a vegetarian, not because I am against the slaughter of animals or because I am some radical, free thinking, tie dyed shirt wearing hippie. Well, actually I am but I try to limit my ti-dye wearing to odd days or every other Thursday. I chose to become a "veggie" because something about it called to me, so I listened and thought I would give it a try. Initially I had some concerns, but they were limited mainly to sources of protein. With a little searching, the answers were found and I have been healthy and happy.

The reason I have brought this up today is because I am still amazed when people find out your a vegetarian, the response is slightly more reserved then that of discovering your dad is a terrorist but there is still a gasp of astonishment which is always followed by one of two responses. The first is "isn't it hard" and the second is a snotty, better then you "I couldn't do it". Usually after one of these two responses there is several stupid ass questions, usually based on ignorance or slow sanapson firing.

Let me address these questions. For me and this is strictly based on my own personal experience, no being a vegetarian isn't hard. I really didn't eat much meat prior to my choice so the transition was really easy. Plus I am not a picky eater and love fresh fruit and vegetables.

The more often response, "I couldn't do it", is usually delivered with an arrogance which is based on ignorance because if you knew where your meat came from and what they do to it odds are you would vomit and opt for a salad. Ignorance is bliss, but let me enlighten you a bit with some fun facts about mass produced, grade "A" meat.

As our population steadily increases so does our consumption rate and we are really good at gobbling up things, usually useless shit, if you are doubting me just look around, how many dollar stores do you see? So back to the case at point. In order to feed this mass population we have devised some clever ways to mass produce animals, no more chickens pecking the ground or cows in the field grazing with a smile. Chickens today come from, basically, three main "growers" and don't see light. That's right these poor sons of bitches are kept in the dark 24/7 Overfed and jacked up on more drugs then your local crack fiend. They gain so much weight, so quickly that they can't even stand. That is some fucked up shit. Then they are butchered, packaged and consumed. Oh did I mentioned cleaned with ammonia. Then we gobble them up, chemicals, hormones a whole buffet of shit. Take a look around, chicken breasts aren't the only breast getting bigger. Question, you think the hormones they feed chickens come out in the processing, wake the fuck up this isn't laundry and these aren't grass stains.

Pigs and cows share the same fate, put they get to stand outside. What a lovely image, a herd of suntanned fat asses, with needles in their arms standing knee high in their own shit. Dinner anyone.

Now this isn't what motivated me in my choice, but I am sure glad I made it. I am sure some of you think I am "preaching" or self righteous and I just may be, but the fact of the matter is that we don't need to be ingesting this kind of shit. This process of food production isn't limited to meat, fruits and vegetables are druggies too. Picked early, put on ships and trains and "fogged" with toxic gases to give them that "fresh just picked look"

What can you do? The answer is simple buy local, buy organic.If you chose eat meat , but buy free range organic meat. The kind that comes from animals that get to be animals, eat grass, shit in a field, walk around. Yes this will cost more money so you may have to make some changes to your spending but isn't living healthier or longer worth it. Maybe we should be asking are governments why pop and chips are cheaper then a head of lettuce or why fast food restaurants have dollar menus and you can't even buy a bottle of water for that. Think that beef on that dollar burger is real?

I am sure some of you think I am fucking ridiculous and out of my mind. I am sure that those of you with this opinion are probably smokers which speaks volumes about your intelligence. Look I am just concerned about the health of our planet because to the best of my knowledge we can't just pick up and move. For those of you who just don't care I suggest wrapping your lips around your tail pipe and just sucking for a bit, mmmmm.

I will leave you with this question. Do you think that the chemicals we use to "help" our food along disappears when the animal is slaughtered, do you think it might end up in our bodies, in the air in our water?

Peace and love
And healthy food at fair prices

Monday, March 8, 2010

"Go ahead, keep driving"

I just finished reading a post from a good friend Matt Spak. He wrote about a disappointing ride he had yesterday. Unfortunately he ended up with some tire trouble which brought his ride to an end. Luckily he was able to contact a friend who came to get him. The real "disappointment" came for Matt when no one stopped to assist him or even to see if he was alright. In fact he had a close call when an elderly driver nearly ran him over. Now, Matt is a nice guy and wrote very politely hoping to not upset or offend. Well Matt good on you, I on the other hand am a Scorpio so let me step in......

Matt, the reason no one stopped is because we live in a society where no one gives a flying fuck anymore. It's not because the world is now filled with horrible people deserving of one way tickets to hell, it is because we are taught to mind our own business. There was, and not too long ago, a time when people would have stopped, helped or given you a ride. Then something changed. Good Samaritans began being ridiculed and punished, told to "butt out". Now we live in a world were good people will turn a blind eye to violence, poverty even child abuse. What the fuck happened?

We have become so self consumed with our own lives that we fail to see that we are all connected. It's become easier to watch as someone struggles with whatever issue than to step in, because then we might actually have to do something, we might actually become involved in someone else's life, holy jumping Jesus on the cross. Fucking actual human connection, you mean removing the those social retarding ear buds and actually dealing with another. There was also an indirect reference to the fact that church had just let out and that many of the passers-by had attended mass, this too confused Matt. Well let me tell you this, from personal experience, going to church does not make you a righteous person, in fact it often makes you full of shit. I don't mind to offend, really. Matt, churches are often filled with people "raising the roof for god" on Sundays because they have spent the week prior being a bunch of douche bags, but the lord forgiveth, just ask.

I think a revolution is due. Down with "minding your own business" instead get involved. Know who your neighbours are, stand up for the weak and don't walk, drive, fuck it simply don't pass by anyone in distress, pull your head out of your ass, acknowledge you're not alone on this planet and help out.

Peace and Love

Sunday, March 7, 2010

For something slightly different I thought today's adventures, rather then being beautifully scripted and delivered in only the genius and enlightened way that I deliver them should rather be portrayed with the use of visual aids. So sit back, grab and coffee or beverage of choice and watch as I spin a tale of adventure, heroism and love. Please turn off all cellular devices as so to not disturb your fellow viewers and at no time try to press play, this is more or less a poor mans version of a slide show so just scroll down to see more or log off because if scrolling is beyond your intellectual grasp then so is reading......

The morning began with it's usual sound track, coffee dripping slowly into the pot. The aroma filled the air and I was lured by it to the kitchen. There before me bearing a devilish grin, soul mate stood.

I knew immediately that she had something on her mind. The evil, plotting grin gave it a way, that and who wears sunglasses at 7 am. She spoke words of madness, her suggestion we take the dogs for a walk, a long walk. All words were lost as I stood there stunned.

Before I could grasp what was happening we were out the door, in natural light. Still in somewhat of a daze I followed, followed soul mate beyond the safety of the road and into the forest. I was immediately struck by images of things never before seen.........trees.

As we continued to walk we had the strange sense that we were being followed. Followed by to strangers dressed in black. We tried to play it cool, but we could not loose them. They said little but kissed a lot making it awkward.

We decided to sick Maggie after them and she stalked the two shady characters. She forced them into the shadows but they soon returned.

Dexter tried with little avail tried to leap onto these two un welcomed followers. He too failed as they soon re-appeared in the light.

We decided to make it equally as awkward for our two kissing followers so soul mate and I broke out into a full on make out. It was at this point that we realized we were being followed by our own shadows. We erupted with laughter and a sense of ease and calm fell over us.

We continued on our walk all the while holding hands.....

We saw more trees, though there was something slightly odd about how they were growing. I have never seen trees grow is such straight lines?

We arrived home 3 hours later....
That was probably the most prolific tale of our time.
Peace and love

Thursday, March 4, 2010

" O Canada a door mat we shall be......." Since we are contemplating changing the lyrics to our national anthem, as a proud Canadian I thought that I should contribute. I use the words "proud Canadian" very loosely because if the lyrics to the National anthem are changed I will not be a proud Canadian because we will all be proud Americans. Rolling over to make a few people in our country feel better about themselves will be the "flare" signalling our lose of balls and the Americans will invade, absorbing us into their empire. Don't worry, the invasion will go smoothly because I have no doubt our conservative government will ask "is there anything we can do to make your conquering of us easier?"

In case any of you reading this are not aware there is a proposal to have the lyrics "in all thy sons command" changed to "thou dost in us command". This action is being lead by a group who feel that these lyrics exclude them. Are you serious? You exclude yourself. The reality of the situation is that you are attaching meaning to lyrics in a song. I am fully aware that I am speaking about our national anthem a song we stand and sing with pride, a song we use to identify ourselves as a country.

I am well aware that our anthem found it's roots in a poem and that the original words where "thou dost in us command". However it is no longer 1880 (first time it was performed originally, in french). As it tragically stands the majority of our youth can't sing the anthem in it's entirety so how the fuck can we expect them to learn the words especially if they can't relate to them?
That and the majority of them believe our national symbol is a Molson beer bottle.

Some of you may be thinking that my point of view is sexist. Let me assure you of a few things. I whole heatedly am against racism, sexism, and abuse. I believe we all have the right to freedom of choice and speech. We should all be privileged enough to breath clean air, drink fresh water and eat food not manipulated with pesticides and hormones and that we should all be provided with education and health care no matter income level or social standing. That being said I feel that this motion to change the lyrics is a total horse shit. Where does it stop. We as "polite" Canadians are no longer allowed to say "merry Christmas" because other religious groups feel excluded. Why don't we just take the Easter bunny out back and Elmer fudd put a bullet in his head, then we can elect him as prime minister because I am sure he is far more capable.

I am all for progression but at what cost. Should we totally cast to the weigh side all of our tradition? Let be point this out, if I went to India and asked for a cheese burger they would say politely "no fucking way". As a country lets continue to stand for freedom and tolerance. Lets us welcome with open arms the cultures of the world and lets provide the safest, cleanest environment to live in. But lets do it with some dignity.

If your feelings are hurt and you feel excluded go to counselling or by a dog. Seriously if you have this much time on your hands why don't you chose a cause that really needs attention, I don't know maybe women's rights in India? But it is far easier I suppose to petition for changing lyrics to the national anthem in a country that allows you the freedom of stupidity then to get on a plane and go to India and have to get dirty fighting for a cause truly worth this amount of attention. Grow up!

Peace and love

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

They and by "they" I mean the sorts of people who feel it necessary to theorize everything and then express an opinion about whatever it is that they have recently theorized, they probably spread their opinion using a platform like the Internet. Odds are using some sort of blog.

Shut up, I know what you are thinking because outside of being unnaturally good looking I can read minds so shut it.
So "they" often say that life imitates art or that art imitates life, either way one of them is an unoriginal, unimaginative copy cat.
However, if I were to concede to this previous statement then what does my art reflect?
Clearly I am not a skeleton running through a fiery blaze whilst raising the roof "woo woo"
So then we (thanks for your lack of participation readers) have determined then that my life does not imitate art. That leaves us with the art imitating life. Confused yet?
Often artists are inspired before painting and their creations often have a deeper meaning, some shattering mind fuck which you have to look through the multi layered visual to be slapped in the face by a sudden, impactful "ahhhh the painting of the cup represents the current economic state as the cup is half full, filled with water which ties in the environment", it's so potent in it's delivery that we go insane and cut off one of our ears.
I like skeletons, so I painted a skeleton. Plus the painting makes me laugh, that's it no deeper meaning, no bullshit, just an elementary mind set in its creation. You know, like when you were a kid and coloured the sky green, painted a duck blue, just because, no rhyme or reason.
However, if you desire a deeper meaning I will create one for you......
The skeleton represents death, but the fact that it is running means there is life afterwards. The jogging represents our fascination with staying physically fit while alive, which despite our best attempts to prolong life inevitably still result in death, pushing up the daisies and such. His hands are up because he is on fucking fire and that hurts so he is like "holy shit I am dead and on fire, that really sucks...." Plus since the location of the painting is on fire, it must be some sort of hell,
I call it "fleeing a marriage"
Peace and Love