The Christmas season is all about peace, love and the spirit of sharing. Really? Have you been to a mall at all during the last week. Yesterday, Soulmate and I went into Barrie for the day.

Every year I seem to forget the golden rule for the holiday season, leave your fucking manners at home. Don't bother bringing them, in fact your better off bringing a loaded gun or a taser. This realization struck me instantaneously when I was searching for a parking spot. In a scene out of road warrior I got cut off and flipped off in an amazing, single motion. You might expect this from some young punk, but from an old women? Fucking battle axe, what the hell. I had my signal on, waited patiently and smiled filled with holiday cheer. Then like a jail house rape, i had it stuck to me. The parking spot was snatched away by some knitting, tea sipping cat petting battle axe. I have to admit, the thought of throwing down crossed my mind. But I asked my self, what would Jesus do? I am pretty sure he would have fastened a shank out of a cross and "bone check"

Instead I repressed the Ted Bundy in me and drove in endless circles until I found a parking spot on the other side of the planet. Parking spot found, I figured I would take a moment and have a coffee. Starbucks here we come. Opening the door, I came to a halt like Toronto traffic. By the power of Grey Skull, did all of Barrie converge on this single coffee shop.

I spent my time in line, smiling and say "hello" "greetings". Often there was no reply vocally, but their eyes would say "go fuck yourself" or "eat shit and die" Where is the holiday spirit? where is the love?

After a long wait I made my order to the Barista who unenthusiastically took it. Her facial expression concerned me, she had the look of someone ready to take their own life. I wish I had a suicide hot line # to give this poor girl. I then watched her create, slap together my order. It looked nothing like the picture and tasted like, well like what I imagine luke warm shit to taste like.

It was at this point that my twitch developed. I entered a state which no one should see me in, a state brought on by bad coffee. In a manner which can only be described as "losing one's shit" I spun around and scissor kicked the person behind me. I followed that with a Ninja chop to the neck of the old women who cut me off and began using books from the non-fiction section as throwing stars. In the end I was asked to leave Chapters, several people where dead and a small fire was set in the children's section.

Next year I will fasten spikes and a push bar to the front of the car. I will arm myself with any blunt object that can be used as a weapon, dawn a hockey mask and armour and head to the mall. I will pull the doors open and begin my shopping experience with these famous words
"yippie kiya mother fucker"

Peace and Love
a pinch of holiday maheim.